Everything I’d envisaged, everything I’d hoped for to bring him into this world, was torn apart when we entered a cascade of intervention in hospital
I went from the calm, comfortable environment of my home, where I felt confident, empowered and connected to my baby, to triage at the women’s hospital where I was given a very rough internal examination.
They took my power away
She made me bleed
No more midwife led Birth unit
No more calm
Straight to delivery…no calm, no comfort
I tried to make the best of it, but my inner calm had gone…and my baby could feel it
The bleeding stopped and my amazing midwife pushed for the birth pool for me…the consultant said no. It wasn’t her choice and she didn’t come and see me…just that it was a silly idea, I needed monitoring
So back on the bed I got…of course my baby went back to back.
The pain the tore through me, I couldn’t cope and asked for what I really didn’t want…an epidural
It only worked on one side of my body, so the pain continued to tear through the right side
They topped it up and Dexter’s heart rate plummeted…the red button was pressed
Luckily it went back up because no one came
He was in the ‘wrong’ position
We ‘failed’ to progress
We ended up in theatre…episiotomy, forceps, blue baby not breathing (he’s since told me that when they ripped me open, he thought I was dead so he didn’t breathe)
My shell shocked husband wasn’t allowed to stay with us and sent home. After ‘recovery’ we were taken to the ward.
I clung to my baby and cried as the midwives prepared to leave me…it’s ok, the maternity assistant is here.
“Don’t hold your baby on the bed, he could fall off…babies have died hitting that hard floor you know”
So I lay there unable to move from the chest down, my baby is the plastic crib next to the bed…I couldn’t reach him unless I moved the bed up
We struggled with breast feeding due to the trauma on his face…the maternity assistant didn’t help when she tried to force him by holding his neck and pushing him on
I was left, my catheter bag overflowing underneath my bed…not realising until it was finally visiting time and my family arrived
I was relieved to be at home, I wanted to move on, to heal…physically and emotionally…and help my baby do the same
Never in a million years did I think I’d have PTSD, or that 20 months later I’d still have an anxiety disorder
Never in a million years did I think that Dexter would recount his birth to me 3 years and 5 years later, or that how he had arrived would alter how he saw himself in the world
Physically Dexter’s spine was twisted where he had been turned with the forceps, and he had nerve damage down the left hand side of his face
Emotionally he has always felt like he gets everything wrong, like he’s a failure…an energetic imprint from his birth
Dexter’s first birthday was so hard…we both struggled
I didn’t expect it with his second birthday, but we hadn’t healed so there it was again…reliving every moment, waiting up until the time he was born to make sure he was ok
His third birthday was when I complained to the hospital…and got an apology.
I knew it was time to heal, time to move on…for both of us
If I couldn’t invest in myself, I had to do it for Dexter…he had chosen me to do the best for him, and no matter what, I had to help him
My choices may have been taken away when he was born, but I had another chance to choose now
It took a long time, but we healed.
Energy work saved me from being medicated…it cleared the trauma, reset the negative programming and set us both free from the most traumatic day of our lives
This weekend, for the first time in 4 years, I went back
I didn’t realise what was happening at first…I wasn’t expecting it
Then I realised…it had been 7 years
We go through 7 year cycles all the way through our lives, and in the same way that we process our experiences annually, we do the same in these 7 year cycles.
Yesterday I felt helpless, I had no energy at all and I didn’t want to drink anything…it mirrored how I felt as I lay in that hospital bed
Yesterday Dexter felt like he was getting everything wrong, like he was a failure…understanding why helped us to turn this around for him
I am so grateful that we had healed, so that as we hit this 7 year cycle, we just touched into the last bit that needed to process and release.
If we hadn’t, we could have be thrust straight back into the trauma, bringing it back to life
Birth trauma doesn’t just go away, even if it does seem to fade
Our bodies remember and our hearts remember…and it’s the same for our Little Ones
Birth Healing is your chance to set both you and your Little One free from the trauma…it does not have to define who you or your Little One are
Birth Healing Together starts on Monday 5th February
The doors close at 10pm on Thursday 1st February
💕 There are just 4 places left…4 places for 4 mums and Little Ones who are ready to leave their trauma behind 💕
Find out more <<<HERE>>>