One intervention after another…an aggressive internal inspection which caused a bleed, being made to lie down so that I could be monitored, not allowed to go in the birth pool, not even being heard, telling me they would do a small cut to help him out then doing a full episiotomy and refusing to tell me how many stitches I was having
People’s reactions were confusing…some didn’t mention how hard it must have been, others said well it’s all over Know, at least you’re here and healthy. My doctor possibly gave the worst reaction ever…you’re lucky, if it had been forty years ago, you’d both be dead. He said that to me within the first week after giving birth.
Then at my six week check, he said I was an anxious mum and needed to get out and have lunch with my friends more…get used to leaving my baby at home with someone else
I was suffering from ptsd
Every day I experienced flashbacks
Every day my mind would wander too far, imagining something terrible happening to one of us…and me not being able to stop it
My anxiety spiralled, Dexter’s Sleep suffered and so did my relationship…thankfully we made it back, but those first few years were hard
One of the biggest things for me was guilt…
Guilt at not protecting my baby, at not preventing the trauma
Guilt that I wasn’t enjoying every moment, because I felt stuck in the experience
Guilt that I felt the way I did, when really I was lucky…we were both healthy, wasn’t that all that mattered?!
No! It wasn’t all that mattered! We had both been through an extremely traumatic experience and our feelings mattered!
I had thought he would die and he thought I would die (he told me this when he recalled his birth when he was 4)
The thing is that, if I wasn’t being heard, there was no way that Dexter would be
I made sure that we had support, that we healed and processed and released the feelings from our traumatic experience. Not everyone gets this, so mums carry on holding the trauma and the guilt and Little Ones struggle with their own trauma and fear
No one should have to deal with this alone, it’s time to feel understood, time to be heard and time to heal
Join my FREE Facebook group to watch my class The Impact of Birth, plus I’m on hand to answer any questions you may have about whether your Little One is affected by their birth.